Starting 2018: Out of the closet – for good

Being a transvestite has not been an easy task. A man dressed as a woman, a constant source of bad humour, a man lost his man power,…

I realized I’m a transvestite at the age of 11 years. Luckily I had a chance to read a reasonable article about transvestism very early so I had a name for my eccentricity and it helped me to accept it in me. But to tell the other kids about, it wasn’t an option.

Transvestite is the most paranoid non-diagnosed person: If people would know it would be the end of the marriage, the end of the career, the end of different kinds of friendship etc. So the years went by deeply in the closet: The teen age the first marriage, kids, divorce and the second marriage…

However in early years of this millennium the idea of living as a woman emerged to my thoughts. When I got married for the second time I had a dream that I could share my secret with my wife. Because of some (again paranoidic…) misunderstandings I however chickened. I remember that I thought that if I didn’t tell about it at first I should keep my secret forever - how little did I know about myself as a transvestite.

So my 50 year crisis was the contradicition with inner me and my decision to go on closeted. Finally I turned almost desperate until I had to do something. This something was a letter to my wife where I told about my feminine side. After a short period of her shock about me not telling her so an important thing earlier it turned out my feminine side was totally ok for her.  And this was the start of my life I couldn’t even dream about earlier – the life I have told you on this blog.

Since then I’ve moved further and further, first in foreign countries and unknown towns, then here in Helsinki district, different public performances nearest relatives and neighborhood. Every single step has been a success, no negative responses. Actually I have not been afraid of any serious troubles for many years. Anyway the biggest mental step seemed to be my work environment. Even there I have not been afraid of anything, but it just seems to take loads of energy to do it.  

Last fall I told about me to an education session audience at Seta office. Then I happened to speak out an idea that as a person who encourages trans people to be as themselves at the work place I ought to do as I teach. So I decided to tell about Anukatariina to my boss. She was very emphatic and totally o.k. with an idea. We decided to go on with my nearest colleagues which happened in November. The response was so warm-hearted I decided to go on. I visited two times as Anukatariina at my work place but there were only few people to meet me before the Christmas holiday.

After Christmas we had a meeting in my unit where I first introduced Anukatariina to all the staff. They were delighted and praised my outlook which made me blush. One of my colleague said she feels herself like a gray sparrow near me. So I thought I might have overdressed a little which is one of besetting sins for us transvestites. 

     The picture of me and my nearest colleagues

I was so happy and I wanted to go further… Next day I had an instruction lesson with my colleague and we decided to introduce Anukatariina as well. To not make my colleagues feel like a gray sparrow I made sure my outlook was casual enough - maybe also to prevent the students to focus on me too much instead of the agenda of the lesson. Before the lesson I was so nervous I had to ask her to walk by me which she also willingly did. The looks of the students varied from unbelieving and avoiding to warm smiles. So after the introduction by subject I introduced me. The students had some questions including whether I want me to be called Anukatariina or my male name. I replied that Anukatariina is totally o.k. but when I’m in male mode it is not necessary. The lesson ended to the cries of hooray to me! Today I still went on introducing Anukatariina to another class, this time in my male outfit. I have been with these students more than two years. It turned out that actually they already knew – many have even read my blog for some time. In fact it was expected, I have been consciously ”sloppy” in hiding Anukatariina. The original aim was if everyone knew I would have had nothing to tell about. And actually it happened with these students in a way. Anyway the moment of sharing this issue with them was so important and empowering moment for me.

Afterwards I have thought whether I have been stupid because I haven’t done it before. My conclusion is a few years earlier would have been possible but ten or fifteen years ago, the world and my work life were totally different. So even with my current  knowledge I would not have done it. I just have to be happy with my life I live just now. And happy I am indeed.

The blog may be commented in English.

Blogia voi kommentoida myös Suomeksi.

Bloggen kan kommenteras också på Svenska